Disappointed...in myself.‏

Ugh. Worst. Mood.

I weighed myself this morning, as it’s been 8 months today since I had my surgery. I haven’t lost any weight in the last month. No, I haven’t gained, BUT I HAVEN’T LOST. I’m so mad. And guess what? There is NO ONE to blame but myself! I REALLY hate it when that is the case! I HATE to be wrong! Really hate it. Just ask my family. Growing up it was ALWAYS someone else’s fault, mostly my younger sisters’. I do not like to lose! Lol! But apparently it’s time to grow up and take responsibility. Ugh again. What’s that about?!

I previously blogged about how I had really slacked since the holidays, had been eating a lot of carbs, drinking a lots of sweet tea, and eating a lot of chocolate. In that post I said that I was quitting all those things. I did quit them…for a day or two. Then it was right back on the unhealthy eating bandwagon. Ugh. And I knew what I was doing. I KNEW I didn’t need to order sweat tea. I KNEW I didn’t need to eat all that pizza and burgers, but I did anyway. In the past I could screw up with my eating and still have a good weight loss for the month. I was pretty much counting on that to continue. But ya know what, even when you’ve had weight loss surgery it is still no “easy fix” and you still have to work at it. I’m being hit in the face with that today. Besides not losing ANY weight (yeah, I’m bitter) I’ve been feeling gross too. You’d think one would STOP doing the things that made them feel sluggish and gross. Not so much when you are addicted to the thing, as I am. It’s been said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Yup, I’m insane. And the thing is, I know better. I know what to do. I know to watch my portions, which I’ve let go lately because I can eat more than in the first few months after surgery. I still can’t eat like I previously did, but I need to reign it back in regardless. I know to not eat carbs, sugar, and I know I need to exercise. I know that doing the elliptical once in the last month WILL NOT CUT IT. I know these things, yet I still did whatever I wanted and failed myself.

So besides getting back on track with eating right and exercising, it’s time…it’s time to work on this mental thing that leads me back to sabotaging myself. I got the name of a well-liked counselor from a friend of mine WAY back in September and never called them. What’s worse is that I also lost the info. So today I have emailed my friend, admitting to never calling and losing the info, and asked for it again. I’m going to bite the bullet and call. I don’t have this mental part under control like I was trying to trick myself into thinking. It’s time. I’ll continue to spiral out of control if I don’t reign it in. I’ll keep you updated as to how it goes!

I don’t need a pity party or condolences. I just need to do this. This is my one chance. They tell you with the DS surgery that you have 18 months to lose your excess weight, while your body is in the ketosis state. I’ve wasted this past month for sure, and other months could have been a bigger loss. It’s just time to stop being ridiculous. This is my life and I’m taking it back. I’m going to refresh my memory with the guide given me by my doctor’s office and GET BACK ON TRACK!

I almost didn’t take pictures today, I figured what’s the point, I look the same as last month when I weighed this same amount. Lol. But I did it anyway.

I also included these. I wore this skirt and top to church a few weeks ago. I hardly every wear skirts or dresses, much less ones that don’t come pretty far down my leg. I was totally self-conscious since I’m not used to wearing this, but I was elated that I COULD wear it. This was actually a hand-me-down from my sister. She didn’t want it anymore and I gladly accepted the size 20 outfit with open arms!

The same goes for this top I wore to work today. It’s a 1X, yes really, hand-me-down from my sis as well. I’ve never been so excited to wear other people’s clothes! Mostly because I’ve NEVER been able to wear other people’s clothes!

And last but not least I thought I’d share this AWESOME (to me) Non-Scale Victory. While at the mall this weekend I got a new battery in my watch. I hadn’t worn my watch since before surgery. Why? Because it was skin tight and SUPER uncomfortable. Look how big it is now!!! I love it! I’m going to wear it until it falls off! (Ignore my funky pink arm/hand.)

While I may not have lost weigh in the last month (still bitter at myself) I’ve had some pretty great non-scale victories. Thank you GOD for these victories, and for showing me the way when I stumble and am lost!