I ran across this picture this past week. It was taken of me, without me knowing, at the Susan G. Komen North Texas Race for the Cure on June 12 this year. I was mortified when I saw it. I knew I was obese before surgery, and still am at this point, but I honestly hadn't seen THIS. I knew I was at my very biggest, but STILL. I just had not SEEN this! My stomach protruding as if I'm about 18 months pregnant, my non-existent neck, and then of course those arms. It was sweltering that day, as it normally is in Texas in June, and so I had rolled my sleeves up on my t-shirt. Yeah, maybe not the best idea. I remember this day. It was HARD for me. I could feel my excess weight all day long. I didn't have the energy I normally do at the Race. I couldn't squat to take pictures as I normally can. At one point I did squat and was seriously scared I wouldn't be able to get back up. I was pouring sweat profusely and it was hard to breathe. I was miserable walking around the Race course. When it was all over I was thrilled. I was also sad. Sad that I felt this way. I DIDN'T want to feel this way! Seeing this picture the past week brought it all back. I NEVER want to be at this point again. NEVER! I honestly felt like I was dying, which in reality I was. I was killing myself with the weight. In the weeks leading up to surgery I would have thoughts of "I can feel myself dying. I hope I can just make it until surgery day." I never shared that with anyone. Who wants to admit that?! Not me. It's amazing how nearly 6 weeks later and 39 lbs lost that hopeless feeling is gone. I think it immediately disappeared the day I had surgery. My hope was back. I guess I was looking before, just refusing to see.Last Thursday I got together with two ladies who have also had the DS procedure. They both had it about 3 1/2 years ago. It was great talking to them since they have both been where I am. I got some good advice and enjoyed hearing and sharing stories of surgery side effects and such. One thing kept creeping up though...that ugly self image. Both ladies have lost incredible amounts of weight and are so much smaller than they were before their procedure, yet they certainly do not see themselves as I saw them. They both still want to lose weight, are not happy in the size they are wearing, and have that mental block of still seeing themselves large. It bothered me. I'm following behind them and I don't want to feel that way. I don't ever want to forget where I've come from and what I've accomplished. I don't ever want to not be able to see myself. When I am at goal I want to see that, be happy about it, and not still see my self as that morbidly obese girl. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW the mental part is one of the hardest things to change, but I DO want to change it. I'm looking into seeing a behavioral psychologist because I want to get healthy...both psychically and mentally. I never want to take for granted the accomplishments I make in this weight loss journey.
I think the mere fact that you are already thinking about this says a lot! I don't know about anyone else, but for me, it's been a choice. I've just chosen to see my worth past the fat. At night when I can't sleep, I visulize being thing and trim, and how it will feel and what I'll wear. It's to the point now that I will be feeling so good about myself that I'll look in the mirror and be surprised that I'm still over weight. Remember everything in this journey is about choice. What will you choose?
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are aware of not wanting to keep seeing yourself as big even after you lose you weight is good. I've lost 80 pounds and still often see myself as big... but I am still in the "obese" range of BMI, and I do have more to lose. So I try and balance that view with the knowledge of how much I have lost, and what a difference I feel. So sometimes, I actually feel thinner than I really am because I get myself thinking I'm thinner now. So it's a balance... but an exciting one, really!
ReplyDelete~Margene
Seeing a behavioral therapist will be helpful, and hopefully you will find a therapist you mesh with. It would be great to talk to someone that's non-biased and has experience in helping with the behavioral aspect of your journey.
ReplyDeleteMaybe, and this is just a suggestion, trying to focus on the progress you've made instead of how far away you are from your goal will be more positive. Look how you've done so far! And your desire to change and improve your life is commendable!
Keep up the progress, and I wish you all the best :)
Wow. That's pretty tough. I think I'm glad you didn't tell me that cause I would have freaked out.
ReplyDeleteThe word you mentioned that really sticks out to me is HOPE. I am so thankful that I have hope for a better future and life. My(our)Hope is in the Lord.
38 lbs is AWESOME!!!!
Kristi, Way to go with your weight loss journey. You are at the beginning of wonderful things ahead of you. I as well am on a weight loss journey, so things like your story and Keelie's really inspire me to keep going. I am at the biggest I have ever been and so I began a journey with my best friends to help me get to where I want to be...happy and healthy. I can't do it alone so I started with others who can encourage me along the way. I was reading your blog and it reminded me of something I read recently. I read Believe it, Be it by Ali Vincent (1st female Biggest Loser)she states in her book that you have to let your mind catch up with your physical changes. Here is what she says:"When you lose a lot of weight, it sometimes takes time for your mind to catch up with the changes that are taking place in the rest of your body. That happened to me in my makeover episode..." She didn't believe she was in a different size, until she tried on the outfit. "Give yourself the time to get used to your new body, and don't be afraid to try new things. That's the fun part!" she says. If you ever get a chance read her book, it is very inspiring...she has a list in the back of why she did the show (why she was there) and what she wants in life. It helped me to write down my own list and take into consideration where I am going from here. I don't want to ever look back, just keep moving forward. Good luck to you, I will continue to read your blogs...my bffs and I have a blog as well if you ever need something to read. Its 3bffsonamission.blogspot.com. Check us out sometime, I try to post things to help me, and trust me I need a lot of help, even to just vent, because I know what it is like to have one mental image of yourself and then have a rude awakening from a picture of reality. It is very hurtful and sad, but you can break through it, at least that is what I am learning. ~RM
ReplyDeleteI think it's good that you start thinking about this now, because sometimes it's harder to focus on how far we've come after we've lost lots of weight! :)
ReplyDeleteEverytime I see a picture of myself, I'm like, "OMG! My arms! Are still fat!" And well, I delude myself most of the time.
ReplyDeleteLooking at picture of myself is hard too, but just think how meaningful pictures like these will be when you've made it to goal!!!
ReplyDeleteYou can do this!!
=)
Found you via Keelie's blog. I'm rooting for you!! (working on weight loss here too!)
ReplyDeleteI think it is great you are looking ahead like that...
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